Sometimes it's hard being a woman. Sorry, human.

I'm usually one to ignore "Days" - Everything literally has it's day now. But today, International Women's Day, I feel, is important. It may not be a day celebrated in the traditional sense, but what it represents speaks volumes.

Front page of today's Independent

We shouldn't have to have an International Women's Day. In 2014, we shouldn't be having to highlight issues of inequality, abuse, rights and sexism. Everyone should be accepted in all societies regardless of gender (and sexuality, religion, ability, physicality, age...) and everyday, everyone should be celebrating who they are and what they have achieved. Sadly this isn't the case. In some parts of the world, women are treated as sub-human, as property, and as worthless pieces of flesh. Cultural differences and religion are never an excuse for this. Whilst I am not religious, my understanding is that religion is supposed to promote peace and love. The reality, it seems, only promote patriarchy and power. These are the real reasons women are treated with such disrespect. Religion, I feel, is a smokescreen.

As a young woman in western society, I feel guilty for even suggesting I have hurdles to overcome. I had a free education. I even went to uni. I learned how to drive (which I love). I play sport. I vote. I have my own finances. I (co)own my flat. I have many things that women across the globe can only dream of, and I am thankful for all that I have and experienced. I fully embrace every opportunity this country has offered me. I just cannot understand why these same freedoms cannot be had for all women. There is no excuse. Every woman, like every human, should have the right to vote, to an education, to work, to drive, to be politically active, to be heard. It genuinely dumbfounds me. Scares me even. I worry humanity is regressing, beyond the point of no return.

We are not dirty because we bleed, this is what nature intended. We are not physically or intellectually inferior because of our gender. It's frightening that these Medieval ideas are still ingrained in many corners of the world. We are not superior because we are female. We are human. Equally capable and incapable at anything and everything. Not because we have boobs. Not because of the chromosomes. Not because of the oestrogen. It's the just the being human thing, honest. I want to be liked for my kindness and my sense of humour. It's only a bonus that I've got lovely boobs and great curves. It should not be held against me in any situation. I have seen men with bigger boobs who don't get treated differently, so why should I?

I want a job because I am good at it. I want money because I have earned it. I don't want to be overlooked for a job because I don't have a cock. I don't want to be treated differently because "Oh she might have kids one day and be of no use to us."  (My main reasons for not wanting kids right now in life is the fear of the impact it would have on my job - this cripples me. Will that feeling ever go away?) I don't want anyone to assume I'm physically weak and that I can't lift things. I'm freakishly strong and look after my body, therefore only I know what it's capable of and I'll let you know if I need a hand. If I do get emotional, it's probably because I have mental health problems that make my day to day living that tiny bit more difficult, not because of my vagina. I want respect because I have shown it to others and I have earned it. I believe this isn't much to ask.

I am often told, mostly by men, that sexism doesn't exist in our society any more, particularly in the workplace. Unless my entire adult life has been one giant hallucination, then I can assure you it very much does. You have to be on the receiving end to appreciate this fact. Same goes for racism, discrimination against the disabled, ageism etc. I am not here to say "men are evil" or "I hate men", some of my most treasured friends are men. Again, not because of their gender, because they are all round good eggs. I am just using my personal blog as a space to air my thoughts on a topical matter (this is what personal blogs are for, no?) and perhaps strike up discussion. I have never in my life disliked someone based on gender. My main reason to dislike someone is usually because they are an utter cunt, in the genderless, bad egg use of the word.

We have so much to celebrate. Everyone does. And if everything else has it's day, why not women? If men want to have a day too, I say go for it. Get your diaries out. I want to celebrate the freedoms I have, ones that generations of women before me fought, and even died, for. As humans, we need to continue to evolve and work together, instead of segregating each other based on any aspect of biology. Humans can only succeed when we are kind, respectful and co-operative with one other. As I said, it's fine to dislike someone because they are not a nice person, but they world's a lot smaller than we think, and there's a lot to do in such little time. The party is waiting to get started and it's only narrow minds are preventing it from happening.

Yes or No?

The independence debate is all I can think about tonight. Well, more so my worries about the independence debate are heavy on my mind.

Anyone reading this that knew me around the time of the referendum in 1997 will know that I was scared of an independent Scotland. I was a kid in high school and worried, as odd as it may seem for a youngster, about my future. Education, jobs, money. I was quite the fun loving girl. My parents ran their own business, which at that time wasn't running so well. I worried having our own parliament would affect them and me. Would I be able to go to university, or get a job? Why was I worrying about these things at such a young age?

Fast-forward 17 years (holy smokes, it's been that long?!) and I am still worried. I got to university, which I messed up all by myself. I got a part time job as soon as I was old enough, and have not been out of work since, except for one month when I was 19. Lucky, huh? However, my career hasn't really advanced as I'd hoped despite my employment record. Highly possible that this is because of me, and not because of the recession, the government, or the cuts that the Arts have suffered over the years. I think it's all of the above. I have mostly earned minimum wage for the past 12 years, only in the past year going above both minimum and living wage. My parents' business, however, did fall apart, but they rebuilt from scratch and are now comfortably surviving. 

My worries of 1997 have grown up with me, and evolved. I worry about the future and what this referendum will mean for my future. My family's future. Everyone's future.

I have a lot to thank the Scottish Government for. All but 1 year of my tuition fees were covered by SAAS. Apart from a bad experience in 2009/2010 involving waiting lists and over stretched mental health resources, have nothing but love and appreciation for the NHS Scotland. I am thankful for my free prescriptions, NHS 24,  as well as care and support for terminally ill loved ones. Our education system free of Michael Gove. Our own National Theatre. I could go on, but I have to be objection and question - is this enough evidence to vote yes?

I have to cast my vote based on what can offer me the security and happiness. I'm not entirely happy with life at the moment. I'm not happy with a government that allows major corporations to avoid paying tax, yet introduce cuts and taxes to the most vulnerable in society. I am not happy with a government that no longer values the NHS. I am not happy with a government that doesn't take environmental issues seriously, thus condoning destruction of the planet.

The things that I am looking for in our future government are - one that cares about the people, the planet and the future;  one which has a fair tax and welfare system; one which values the education of all regardless of class; one which values and preserves vital institutions such as Health Service and transport. I am nearing 30 and trying to form some sort of career/life pathway. I am in a long term relationship with someone I plan on spending the rest of my life with. Perhaps one day we would like to get married, maybe even have children. Perhaps I would like to start my own business, or go into politics. I don't know exactly what I want from the future, but I know I want possibilities and opportunities. Would a Yes vote guarantee me job security, financial stability, a supported health service, a reliable transport network, an education system my potential offspring would thrive in? Could a No vote guarantee any of this either?

That is my worry. There is no guarantee. There is no way back. And I can barely decide what to have for breakfast nevermind how I want my country to be run for the rest of my life. 

I do know, however, that the only person who can decide this for me, is me. No pressure.

A Picture of Health

I found this book whilst emptying boxes of donated books at the charity project I volunteer with, The Bookery. The cover image is almost terrifying - is that really a 'picture of health'? Jeez!

It caught me. The post Celtic Connections lurgy that's been making it's way around work finally caught me. I am impressed that I lasted this long, but not surprised to have finally succumbed. I have a terrible, almost non existent immune system. I do what I can to support it but eating healthily and try to look after myself, but it's not quite the same.

In the past, when I was a full on vegetarian, I would have friends and family comment on the condition of my health, my skin, my mood etc and blame it all on my diet. Not only was that infuriating, but also completely unfounded. For the past 5(ish) years I have included a variety of meats into my diet, and the only difference was that I put on a lot of weight. A lot. Which doesn't help your mood, your health and my goodness those spots I mostly avoided as a teenager had more than made up for lost time.

For me, I believe there is a clear link between health and happiness. When I am stressed, or depressed, my body throws a massive diva strop. Nose bleeds, migraines, tonsillitis, loss of appetite, I could go on. Despite all this, when I was at my lowest last year, something inside me knew that I had to work on physically making myself better, and that my mental health would either follow, or seem more manageable. My exercise regime was non existent, my diet was shameful, my sleep pattern non existent and my mind was a riot.

One day I went to the gym and signed up. I hadn't thought it through and almost in tears wondering what the heck I was doing there. It was all so alien and intimidating. But I had signed myself up and being the type of people who can't break a commitment, I couldn't let anyone* down. I didn't even own trainers. It was an expensive decision but 6 months later, it's not one I regret. I haven't shifted much weight yet, and I still have the grace of an arctic lorry, but keeping my body busy is having some effect on my mind, even if I'm not sure what it is.

I have my first 10k race coming up in May, again something I signed up to without much prior thought, so the commitment klaxon in my head blares again and I am currently training, determined to see it through. For whose benefit? I don't even know, I'm just to guilty/stubborn to not do it.

I'm missing training tonight, something which is causing me great distress. Although I am infected and on antibiotics, I am annoyed with myself for missing this. The irrational "letting everyone* down" voice bellows, and I worry that fatty little me will never catch up and fall behind. A friend informed me that you're not meant to do cardio whilst on antibiotics as it can impact on your heart. Whilst I accept this advice from a dear and trusted source, I still feel terrible inside. It possibly has something to do with missing so much school and youth due to ill health. And being off work with depression for long periods of time itself takes some getting over. I have been back for over 3 months now and still feel like I owe someone* something* for those missing months.

I did discover Mindfulness towards the end of last year, although from this blog entry, you wouldn't have guessed. That's another commitment battle for another entry. However, it's fundamental themes remind me that I do need to remember to be kind to myself, and that I need to listen to my body. I think I'd best stick the kettle on. A cup of tea cures everything. Almost.



* This refers to no one in particular and I am not even sure it clearly describes what I mean. Perhaps it is myself I refer to. It just seems bigger and more general than that. I rarely compare myself to others or care too much about what others think of me. When I made these decisions, I didn't even tell anyone, yet felt this odd, overwhelming feeling of guilt or pressure, I'm not even sure that's what I actually would call it.

Whit happened to ye hen?

I originally started a blog this time last year, but like most things I start, I forgot about it. I also wasn't really into blogging. I like to read other people's blogs, but never saw the appeal in writing my own. However, a year older, I am more in need to a place to store my thoughts, then mock them at a later date, even if I still agree with them. I still question why people write blogs. It still all seems a bit self indulgent, unless your blog has a particular theme or purpose. Like my life, this blog has neither, but it's not going to feel inferior for it. Ach, it probably will but eventually find something new to worry about.

Recently I reverted back to being a vegetarian, and this has had an incredible effect on my happiness. 5 years ago I had a nervous breakdown of sorts, and started eating meat for the first time since childhood. Not in great quantities, but cravings for cheeseburgers became binging on cheeseburgers. Several stone later, my self esteem completely wiped out, something had to give. I was signed off work for over 3 months with severe depression and anxiety, something I have battled with since childhood. However, rather than treating myself as ill and needing cured, I decided to try just treating myself as a person who just is the way she is. I wasn't out to fix myself anymore. Or feel better. There's nothing worse than being told to cheer up or feel better. Instead I tried to be kind to myself. I tried to remember the things I liked, rediscover my passions, try new things. I will always worry, I will always panic, and I will often be sad, but this does not necessarily make me a useless excuse for a human. Because there are things that make me happy, heck even things that make me laugh rill I either fart, pee or both. It perhaps wasn't the quickest road to recovery, but I feel it has equipped my with the things I need to come to term with my illness and live with it. It's part of me. Lots of things are.

I think what I am trying to achieve from this blog, as it is the first of probably 4, is some sort of introduction, so readers know what to expect, even though I don't know myself. I worry (bing!) that this is a complete waste of time, a load of wankery self indulgence. I do not promote anything onto other people, though if I genuinely care or have an interest in something, I will gladly harp on bout it. In return, I welcome debate but not lectures. Opinions are to be shared but not forced upon anyone. Kind of like love. My current interests have focused around discovering mindfulness, the independence debate, vegan cooking, The Julie Ruin, running and my love for education (where were you 10 years ago at university damnit!!!) My long term interests always seem to be connected to cats, music, gin, coffee and food. Especially food. You don't get to 14 stone by not finding a way to make everything about food.

And on that note, I need to go to the supermarket.