I originally started a blog this time last year, but like most things I start, I forgot about it. I also wasn't really into blogging. I like to read other people's blogs, but never saw the appeal in writing my own. However, a year older, I am more in need to a place to store my thoughts, then mock them at a later date, even if I still agree with them. I still question why people write blogs. It still all seems a bit self indulgent, unless your blog has a particular theme or purpose. Like my life, this blog has neither, but it's not going to feel inferior for it. Ach, it probably will but eventually find something new to worry about.
Recently I reverted back to being a vegetarian, and this has had an incredible effect on my happiness. 5 years ago I had a nervous breakdown of sorts, and started eating meat for the first time since childhood. Not in great quantities, but cravings for cheeseburgers became binging on cheeseburgers. Several stone later, my self esteem completely wiped out, something had to give. I was signed off work for over 3 months with severe depression and anxiety, something I have battled with since childhood. However, rather than treating myself as ill and needing cured, I decided to try just treating myself as a person who just is the way she is. I wasn't out to fix myself anymore. Or feel better. There's nothing worse than being told to cheer up or feel better. Instead I tried to be kind to myself. I tried to remember the things I liked, rediscover my passions, try new things. I will always worry, I will always panic, and I will often be sad, but this does not necessarily make me a useless excuse for a human. Because there are things that make me happy, heck even things that make me laugh rill I either fart, pee or both. It perhaps wasn't the quickest road to recovery, but I feel it has equipped my with the things I need to come to term with my illness and live with it. It's part of me. Lots of things are.
I think what I am trying to achieve from this blog, as it is the first of probably 4, is some sort of introduction, so readers know what to expect, even though I don't know myself. I worry (bing!) that this is a complete waste of time, a load of wankery self indulgence. I do not promote anything onto other people, though if I genuinely care or have an interest in something, I will gladly harp on bout it. In return, I welcome debate but not lectures. Opinions are to be shared but not forced upon anyone. Kind of like love. My current interests have focused around discovering mindfulness, the independence debate, vegan cooking, The Julie Ruin, running and my love for education (where were you 10 years ago at university damnit!!!) My long term interests always seem to be connected to cats, music, gin, coffee and food. Especially food. You don't get to 14 stone by not finding a way to make everything about food.
And on that note, I need to go to the supermarket.
Aye, it's hard to be kind to yourself. I still have to run through a checklist when I'm down - bit like checking my bag before leaving the house - to see whether its just a crap day / week or if I need to take some evasive action. Keep going & keep running.
ReplyDeleteIt's so easy to forget, or not even realise, you need to be kind to yourself. It almost goes against human nature, the thought of putting yourself first or, shock horror, forgiving yourself. I should be out running tonight, my brain says, but my body is floored with a chest & throat infection and protests. I have the feeling that missing my run would let people down (who?!) and that I'd feel like a failure, but I am working through it. These things won't beat us, they can only stall us at most. There's a quote for a sampler in there somewhere ;)
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